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Misconceptions Contrary to common myth.. blokes who wank off, whack off, jerk off or pull their pissers in front of their PC whilst watching pornographic videos or flicking through pictures of mary-jane rotten crotch in her purdy pink panties, are not always naked; neither are they wearing a butt plug, a plastic gimp mask, and the most common misconception to be obliterated by my confessions is that they do not shoot their load all over the desk, keyboard and computer screen. That would be great fun if you had a maid who you could get to clean it whilst bending over your desk in her frilly bottomed little black dress, hold up stockings, ken dodd tickling brush and set of high heels. Reality Nope, for most of us the idea of an embarrasing clean-up operation going on is something that is taken quite serious indeed and avoided at all costs (richer people employing the "posh wank" strategy). Yes indeed, even I, with all my virility and passion, lust and desire, end up, like the other "sad pathetic wankers" (87% of PC owning males) having to plan and prepare a wank with military precision. Girls Look at it like the way a girl organises her bath.. It's a ritual as sacred as tea ceremonies in Japan, they lay out the candles, fill the bath with bubbles, pick out their sexy clothing that they are going to wear so the man they are going to see can glare at her in a way that makes her moist in anticipation. She will lie there.. water absolutely boiling, hands soaping her flowing locks, sweat beads forming on her chest between her pert little breasts, her brow soaked and her cheeks flushed like she's just been fucked ragged. then she elegantly shaves her legs in long sweeping strokes, before standing on the outside of the bath with one foot in the water, pulling her vulva away from that soft bit at the top of her thighs so she can shave it so her lips are clean and smooth for you to kiss. Men Yes, imagine a man's wanking ritual to be somwhere along those lines, only the difference is, we are men.. so all we need is some porn.. and something to catch our disgusting jizz in. Anything will do.. in the past I have thought I was "really cool" because in the absence of any better suited material, I had discovered that todays dirty sock is not only ideal for the purpose, but is also being carried on your person so you don't even have to get up to get it. That was cool until recently when I discovered that my dad.. who was staying with me at the time... had also been partaking in this useful "emergency measure". Disgusting, yes, men are. Girls, all men are disgusting wankers don't believe any of the bullshit men say when challenged on the issue. I will admit it, I'm man enough to stand up for who I am, don't like me; do I look like I care? |
Emergency Measures It is viewed as an emergency measure, because sufficient forensic DNA evidence of the offence is available to secure a conviction right up to the moment the sock goes into the washing machine. You are in serious trouble if you get found out, for a start there's: Specimen Charge You got sussed mate Even worse, if your partner finds out. Now that really is a social and biological disaster. You may even be required (under duress) to account for your actions by giving verbal testimony to the person who, for the purposes of this act is judge, jury, executioner and missus rolled into one. On summary conviction of this offence you would be lucky, if after the ensuing argument, you received a sentence of "Disqualified from engaging in penetrative sexual activity until you have been nice to me for long enough". Note: Offences under "the male/female relationship rules" are merely set aside and are never considered spent. They may be taken into consideration for any future offences committed, anywhere, whenever, indefinitely. Alternative Measures It's a serious matter. I mean.. if your girlfriend isn't up for a fucking and she goes to bed before you.. what are you gonna do, you can't fucking go to bed and just "cuddle up" with all that testosterone in your veins, you'd get a rocket on the moment you feel skin... there is NO WAY you are going to be able to keep your hands off her and if you do that, there's gonna be another row about pestering, and again.. the risk of a 24hr penalty. easy choice? your gonna have a wank aren't you., let's be honest., whether your Tony Blair or Joe Bloggs, if your missus is on the rag or faking a headache, you are going to end up having to plan a clean-up operation. Strategies Remember, when wanking apply this rule of seven P's: "proper preparation and planning prevents piss poor performance". Stick to what you know works, make a checklist of what to do, erase your visited websites history, move all your .jpg pictures that "might be good for wanking to again" to hidden folders or password protected files that if discovered, you "don't know how they got there or what they are!!", clean up your spillages well, and if you are rich enough to go for the posh wank strategy... make sure that it definitely flushed down the toilet, and also remember, if you don't use condoms with your partner, and she finds some, you are deemed to be in breach of every offence in "the male/female relationship rules" book I have yet to write, and furthermore, with immediate effect all previously committed offences are taken into consideration. |
 Wanker of the month ~ Roy Reminiscing Aye, I look back to the good old days when a posh wank was the norm for me.. but alas, the times when i would spin a condom like a sling shot and toss it at the wall to see what noise it makes are over.... the memories of fucking a nice young firm ripe 17 year old, making her cum then unloading myself; pulling off the condom, tying a knot in it with one hand, cool as fuck like, then passing it to her and saying, "there you go darling, that's for you", are fading fast. It's always good to see a nice fat load of knotty jizz swilling in the bottom of a nodder that's covered in a girl's cum. That's a bit of an "I am the fucking man" moment that isn't it? The Real Story No, at the moment, I'm definitely a bit of a wanker. Here is an overview of my current profile should you care to use this when compiling data for detailed anaysis on my "wanker" percentage. male, late 30's slightly balding unfit unemployed run's adult website - 278014 unique visitors from 71 different countries in 6 months (May-Oct 2005) with a total pages viewed count of 2,207,866 no girlfriend suffers from depressive mental health disorder, more car is bust lives in halfway house provided by social services masturbates daily visits a psychiatrist person who's mindless piffle is read and pondered over by countless thousands, including you. Future artices in this series include Wanking quietly in the army. Donny, and the used condom's in the drawer collection. Pink elephant hour, radio watch in a Chieftain Tank. I just had to throw one off there and then. Monty and the (shared) barrack room blow-up doll. Caught in the Act. Practice and procedure, an idiots guide to masturbation. Jimmy Bell-smell, did he really exist. Contribute your wanking story and be famous Should you have any interesting or amusing masturbation stories you would like to share with the world, anonymously if you wish, please e-mail them to me, wanker. just click to send me en e-mail |
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Yipeee... my first viewer submitted wanking story courtesy of Bryan, the wanker!!
Bryan is a wanker |
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just counters and stuff below here 
Roy Arscott Roy Ascott | ||||||||||||||||
